VIDEO: As he prepares to perform in city, here are Omid Djalili’s best one-liners

Omid Djalili will be performing at the Marlowe Theatre

Omid Djalili, one of Britain’s favourite tv and stand-up comedians, will be performing in Canterbury next month.

The 52-year-old, who is of Iranian heritage, is bringing his show Schmuck for a Night to the Marlowe Theatre next month.

Djalili is known as an intelligent, daring and provocative comedian who doesn’t shy away from cultural issues – and who always manages to keep audiences roaring with laughter.

He has also performed in film and West End stage productions.

But it is always his comedy that keeps fans titillated. Here is a selection of his best one-liners:

  • Most people only associate the Middle East with oil and phlegm and halitosis. I’m joking, I’m joking. We’re running out of oil.
  • I am the only Iranian comedian in the world. That’s three more than Germany.
  • I was once asked to become a Jehovah’s Witness. I said I did not see the accident.
  • What do you call an honest Iranian businessman? Asif.
  • There was a shipwreck. In a lifeboat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean there was an Indian, an Arab and an Iranian. A shark swam up up, ate the Arab, ate the Iranian, went up to the Indian but turned and swam away. The Indian prayed to God: “Oh God why did you save me?” The shark said: “I had one of you last year and my arse is still burning.”

Omid Djalili’s Schmuck For A Night will play at the Marlowe Theatre at 7.30pm on Saturday, July 28. Tickets cost £25.25.

For bookings and more information log on to the Marlowe Theatre website.

In the meantime, here’s a chance to once again enjoy Djalili’s foreign accent syndrome routine from the BBC 10 years ago:


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