Imagine, if you will, my dismay at seeing last week’s revelation on this very site that Labour has been taken over by the hard left.
Everything I’ve worked for over the past 35 years has been for nothing. My cover is now officially blown, the carefully cultivated exterior of almost–reasonableness torn away and the scheming plans of me and my colleagues exposed to the watching world. And all because one of my cadre members was daft enough to put on our website that he has left Left Labour, indicating in public that he has joined hard jeft Labour. Dammit!
How now can we proceed? Well, it’s obvious, I think. People were already beginning to suspect anyway: our hard left councillors rather broke cover by fighting against the reviled imperialist Station Road West Car Park, and comrades in Whitstable who have led the fight against the import of capitalist plastic goods have been publicly recognised by being given an award.
- Choirboy solo at Canterbury community carols is most watched vid of 2019
- Council rejects anti-car park petition – as it reveals plans for transport hub
Our campaigning for more house building rather than spending £150 million on buying up shopping centres has been noticed too, as has our sneaky criticism of the multi-thousand pound giveaway to the ever reliably under-performing Serco. We’ve even been trying to force the hands of the council’s ruling Tory class to undertake to strive to end modern slavery in the district, on which issue we have, sadly, been thwarted.
Nonetheless, these events have made it rather difficult to keep our presence secret, and I suspect we’ll have no choice but to gear up and push on with our most radical plans yet.
Using the sleeper cells we’ve carefully built up, some of which are so successful they are apparently present even in organisations I’ve never even heard of, we’ll unleash a wave of far-left action on an unsuspecting population. Comrades have infiltrated such diverse organisations as the Canterbury Society, Catching Lives, Kent Savers Credit Union, Whitstable Town FC, every single local Church, the Campaign for Democracy in Canterbury District, the checkout at Asda, CHEK, the cub scouts, Citizens Advice, the Curzon cinema (every Sunday afternoon and Tuesday matinees), Spokes, the Ramblers Association, and the local Parkrun, to name a few. In many of these we’ve been unopposed as there are simply no LibDems anywhere to be seen, so successfully have we co-opted their supporters to our cause. Indeed, as you saw in the 2017 elections, very hard left Labour has successfully infiltrated the whole population, allowing us to plant our most secret of secret weapons, harmless looking Rosie Duffield, into the House of Commons, where even now she is calling for tolerance and moderation.
What to do now that we have been revealed, though? At a secret meeting – there is, you’ll realise, no other sort in the cloak and dagger world of the Trotskyist hard far left Stalinist Momentum sect I am alleged to belong to – at our clandestine headquarters (The Miller’s Arms, first Monday of every month), into which we manage to cram all 1800 local members of our sect, there was universal agreement (no other sort being allowed in the neo-Kim Il Jungian Marxist collective of the hitherto unrevealed Corbyn worshipping very very far left) that it is time to implement our ultimate programme.
Locally, this involves taking over the city council in May in a people’s putsch, and converting it into a forum which actually listens to the concerns of local residents. This will give us the excuse to do whatever we want anyway (so we have that in common with the Tories, at least), and we’ll begin our subversive programme by starting to build housing which local people can actually afford to live in – and enough of it to end the backlog of 2,500 plus local families who don’t have a home.
This and similar radical actions will improve the environment, protect jobs and make sure they pay enough to live on. We will provide adequate social care support for the elderly and vulnerable, make public transport affordable and create a socialist paradise of publicly owned and operated cycle paths throughout the district. All this will be accompanied by the revolutionary task of working in partnership with communities and business to create jobs, tackle inequality and keep the wealth generated here circulating here. So radical!
At the same time, our national Labour colleagues will begin the dismantling of the entire capitalist system in the UK by gradually taking back ownership and control of the railways, water, gas and electricity companies, the Royal Mail and other key infrastructure, enabling the rest of the system to function effectively. That’s how dastardly our plan is: so subtle that it doesn’t even include extreme measures which might give the game away!
Our new look hard hard hard left Labour will also end the use of private contractors in the NHS no matter how popular they are with the public, who we know love having Richard Branson bidding for any service he can make a profit on and leaving everything else for the public sector to do. In fact, the NHS demonstrates how subtle and invidious our infiltration has been: only last week our secret cell at the top of the NHS revealed that it believed that privatisation of the NHS had to stop. Now that’s what I call radical.
Moving on, we’ll reveal more shock infiltration of beloved national and local institutions. We have already, as you may have seen, installed a socialist as manager of Liverpool FC, and before long all football teams will be entirely composed of left wingers. Which might make for some very odd, but ideologically pure, matches.
In our greatest master stroke, we’ll depose Comrade Paul Carter as the dear leader of KCC, where his life-long sleeper project to undermine the Tories by being consistently useless at filling in potholes has been a failure. He’ll be sent to a hut at Dungeness for political re-education.
All this is what you can do if you have over 500,000 members nationally, getting into every walk of life and every institution. It is, of course, something the Liberal Democrats (all 10 or so of them locally) can only dream of.
Certainly dreaming seems to have been the source of last week’s attack on very very hard Left left Labour, allegations so baseless as to make you think an election might be coming along soon.
But don’t worry, we have a plan for that, too.