Well, summer is well and truly here in our great city.
As usual, I’ve been out in the streets and public places in Canterbury observing my fellow human beings.
With that, I believe I’ve identified seven summer social stereotypes you might very well recognise:
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Shirtless bellend: This type of individual has renounced the concept of shirt wearing for the summer months. Ordinarily young, the shirtless bellend will strut down Canterbury High Street puffing his pigeon-sized chest out because, well, we’re all just so impressed by it and that. The other variety is the bloke who has spent so much on gym sessions and tats, that it would be a crime against humanity if the rest of us didn’t see him. Yuk.
Panama hatted ponce: A ruddy-cheeked cravat-wearing poltroon of no younger than 50, he completes the summer look with a Panama hat adorned with a strip silk resembling a club tie. This stereotype can be found at various summer events quaffing expensive alcohol and boring everyone senseless with tales of growing up in colonial Tanganyika and what a drag it is to renew his MCC membership.
Floral frock-wearing fool: Usually, this specimen arrives at an event on the arm of the Panama hatted ponce. The spitting image of Christine Hamilton, she has all the charm of Cherie Blair. Two large glasses of wine is enough to provoke a period of transformation. Soon enough she is making sexual eyes at younger men, before slumping into a chair whereupon she sits nonsensically insulting friends and family.
Badly dressed middle aged man: Yup, guilty as charged. I gave up on decent clothes ages ago. My fellow BDMAMs just stick on whatever we feel makes us most comfortable: gigantic billowing button-up shirts with Bermuda shorts, black slip-ons with white towel socks or flip-flops with a brown lounge suit – we’ve got it covered.
Swaggering sunglassed beauty: Every red-blooded males’ fave. It’s as if blokes spend nine months of year waiting for the species to emerge from hibernation: “Look there are some women and they’ve got next to nothing on.” The beauty usually likes to wear mirrored sunglasses so you can’t see her eyes. This means she can act as if she’s oblivious to the drooling chimpanzees gawping at her and therefore pretend they’ve got absolutely no idea why this is happening.
Bog standard bloke in an England shirt: Unable to attend an actual tournament because of his job as PR consultant, panel beater or policemen, the bog standard bloke opts for the next best thing and puts on an England shirt. Sometimes he’ll wear whatever shirt the team area wearing that tournament, but if he’s really cool, he’ll wear a retro shirt like the one for Spain ’82 or Italia ’90.
Mr Linen: Offensively upper-middle class, Mr Linen works in education or law or some other profession and is distinct by the fact that he wears linen trousers, shirts and jackets all summer. His atrociously social climbing parents will have given him a name like Gideon, Augustus or Joleon. He spends his summer at functions with his wife Ariadne – who describes herself as a lifestyle journalist, but writes nothing – where he discusses holidays in unheard places and then feigns surprise you’ve never been there. Bit of a twat, really…